Hell ride

by Stephanie Shields
(Germantown, MD)

Dieting is a bitch!
Oh how I love to eat pizza, ice cream, candy, cake, and all sorts of kinds of chips.
Unfortunately I hate being fat as much as I hate being deprived, so I'll stay on this damn plan.
God I hope I survive!
This diet makes me despise people, those of you who can eat what you want.
I hope that slice of cheese cake you are mindlessly chomping down goes strait to your butt!
Oh why is it not as easy to get skinny as much as it is to get fat?
If you ask me, I'd say this whole universe is out of whack!
Oh why if I can't have them does this world insist on providing me with such sensational culinary things?
Such as cookies and white cheese doodles and onion rings!
I thought this world was all about promoting equality.
Then why can those skinny people eat how ever much they want and I am forced to limit my quantities?
I tell you lord this just isn't fair!
I feel so ravished right now I could probably eat like a bear! 
Oh having to do this damn diet feels so incredibly unfair and unjust! 
However, I know in order to feel happy and healthy I have to get though this hell.
I just must!
So I'll just sit here whining and crying and bitching about all the delicious culinary delights I am missing.
I promise I will only just wistfully gaze at all those succulently savory things in my kitchen.