Low carb dieting tips
(I wish i knew)
I know I shouldn't eat carbs... boo hoo!
I apologize in advance for not knowing who the blogger is who wrote this - it was one of those things someone copied me with and it was just way tooooo good not to share:
MY NAME IS DAVE AND I'M A CARBOHYDRATIC (or, carbohydrolic?)
I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm
talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the
tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your
bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with
helpful safety warnings such as, "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER."
But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was - prepare to be
shocked......... we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and
there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there
would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record
playing. And then, when the mood was right, somebody would say: "You
wanna do some 'drates?" And the next thing you know, there'd be a
bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers, or even potato chips, and
we'd put these things into our mouths and just EAT them.
My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not like now, when
everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually every
product is advertised as being "low-carb," including beer, denture
adhesives, floor wax tires, life insurance and Viagra.
Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us
bread! Today, of course, nobody eats bread.
People are terrified of
all carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a
midtown Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets
over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. ("Do what
he says! He has pasta!")
The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month because
of reports - false, thank heavens - that terrorists had put a bagel
in the water supply.
But as I say, in the old days we believed that
the reason you got fat was from eating calories," which are tiny
units of measurement that cause food to taste good".
When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which
we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a
building material. The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a
normal human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which
point he or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to
the garage and snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes
without removing the wrappers.
So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time.
people, in desperation, turned to disco. But then along came the
bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something
Atkins. Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't
matter! What matter are carbohydrates, which result when a carbo
molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny
Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that as long as you avoided carbohydrates
you could, without guilt, eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as
cheese, bacon lard, pork rinds and whale. You could eat an entire
pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to bread. At
first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galileo and Eminem,
Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility.
The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to - yes - stalk
him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined
to be shards of Melba toast. But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he
had a dream - a dream that, some day, he would help the human race by
selling it 427 million diet books.
And he did, achieving vindication
for his diet before his tragic demise in an incident that the autopsy
report listed as "totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound bacon
cheeseburger found in his stomach."
But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose
weight The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual
Americans, who have as a group, become so heavy that North America
will soon be underwater as far inland as Denver: Which can only mean
one thing: You people are still sneaking Snickers!! You should be
ashamed of yourselves!
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